One of the things we know about depression and mental health is that they do not discriminate. The new L1 at their first FNM, the veteran L2 at their fifteenth GP… even Pro Tour Champions are affected by this disease.
Today, we are proud to have Gerry Thompson, Pro Tour Hour of Devastation champion and member of the US National Team, join us to share his experiences with depression.
My name is Gerry Thompson. I’m a Pro Tour regular and have been playing Magic off and on since Invasion.
I, like many others in the gaming community (and the world), suffer from depression. Also like many others, when I tell people, their first reaction is generally, “Really? I would have never guessed that.”
We get good at hiding it because of the stigma attached to mental illness, even though it’s just that — An illness. You wouldn’t tell a cancer patient to “just stop feeling bad” because that isn’t how illness works. It’s real and it’s not a weakness or anything you should feel ashamed of.
For a long time, I hid my depression from others. Not only was there some amount of fear and shame involved, but I also didn’t want to push my problems onto others or have them pity me. While some days were worse than others, I wanted to believe that I could handle it on my own. My pride got in the way.
Depression has been with me forever. I can’t remember not feeling this way. It’s like walking around in a fog. Things aren’t unbearable, they’re just a little bit harder. Some days, I’m not capable of being really happy or really sad. In its place is just this sense of apathy and that makes feeling anything very difficult.
It typically takes some building up before I can do something — Run an errand, complete a task, maybe finish some work, or write a lengthy email. If it’s not time sensitive or if I can justify not hitting a deadline, it’s easier for me to put it off (like I did with this article, heh).
Depression has put me in slumps for weeks, unable to do much of anything. Nothing seems fun. Being productive seems pointless. Once you’re in that state, it’s difficult to break free, which is why doctors recommend breaking up your routine.
Do something different. Exercise is also proven to help with depression, which is something that has worked for me. If I wake up early and go the gym, I have a lot more energy for the rest of the day and have already broken through that barrier that typically keeps me chained. If I’m already out and about, it’s much easier for me to run errands and generally get things done.
There is no cure and no quick fix. You can do things to mitigate it. For me, sometimes that means catching up on sleep, hanging out with people (despite how daunting that seems), reading a book, or even just sitting on my couch thinking about things. It’s different each time.
Playing Magic for a living, despite how great it is, can be extremely taxing. After a long weekend of traveling, interacting with several people, and playing Magic for a weekend, I am typically exhausted. Needing a day or two to recharge is normal.
When my flight touches down, I’m always excited. I’m happy to catch up with friends and even meet new ones. Magic tournaments feel like where I’m supposed to be and they make me happy. Being around good, positive people is basically all I want out of life, and Magic tournaments have that in spades.
Being around people, especially those who are positive, generally helps my mood, even if the thought of it is overwhelming at times. If they are people who might understand (or even just try to understand) what I’m going through on a daily basis, even better.
My recent good news is that I finally started taking medication for my depression after 33 years. Realistically, it shouldn’t have taken me nearly this long, but I was afraid. I’ve avoided drugs and alcohol most of my life because I was scared of losing control and/or not being myself. Medication terrified me in the same way.
What if the medication changed me? What if what it made me wasn’t who I was before? Which one was the real me? I liked the “me” before, so did I really want to change? If it meant things were harder, I thought I could deal with that.
To top it off, I thought I could handle it. I didn’t need anyone and I certainly didn’t need any pills. My pride effectively made it so I had to live on extra hard mode, but it doesn’t have to be that difficult and I realize that now.
Shortly after starting medication, my daily mood improved. Instead of waking up and generally having a feeling of being down, I feel closer to “normal” and am capable of feeling intense emotions. In general, I have more energy. The build up necessary to do things doesn’t take as long. Everything is better.
Medication won’t necessarily work for everyone (and there are some side effects), but it’s working for me. It’s not a cure but it helps me manage. Things “only” get a little easier on the daily, but it feels like a godsend. Since I’ve been on medication, I’ve mostly had this immense feeling of joy, basically because I feel better than I can ever remember and the disparity can feel huge at times. The best part is that my fears were unfounded. I still feel like me. The only difference is that not I don’t feel like I’m living on hard mode anymore.
Certain members of my family used to criticize me for a lack of ambition. Given how much I’ve devoted my life to a singular thing, I think it’s safe to say that isn’t the case, nor was it ever. Maybe I didn’t have the right outlet, but the only things that seemed worth doing were staying in my room reading a book or playing video games.
It’s safe to say that depression has effectively stolen countless hours of my life. It will continue to take many more. Still, it’s a part of what’s shaped me into the person I am and has undoubtedly made me stronger. Dealing with this illness on an almost daily basis had made tackling other things seem almost trivial.
I can’t imagine going back to the way things were. No one should have to live like that. If you’re suffering from the same sort of thing, I recommend talking to someone like a therapist, psychiatrist, or even a friend, and being open about possible things that could help, such as medication.
If exercise or leaving the house helps break the cycle, embrace them!
The most important thing to remember is that you’re not alone.