This is something most people don’t know about me. I am mentally ill. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety pretty much my whole life. It’s been a struggle, but in light of Mental Heath Awareness Month and our new Mental Note blog, I want to share this with you all and how becoming a judge has changed my life.

Let’s start with some background information. I first showed signs of depression when I was about 14. I was lethargic and lazy, not something I would be described as before that point. I was self-harming and people started to notice. Therapy and counseling didn’t help much, but I coped on my own. The following year, my mother passed away. I was the one who had found her body and called 911. Needless to say, it was quite traumatic. I won’t go into details, but this really messed me up. I started thinking about suicide for the first time in my life. I did try a few times, but ultimately either failed or thought of some small thing to live for.

One of the lowest points in my life was being date raped at a small party when I was 17. I went with a “friend” who let me either get drugged or drink way too much. I remember bits and pieces, but I do remember him just watching. I told my boyfriend at the time what had happened and he accused me of “using this as an excuse to cheat on him.”

Fast forward to college. My depression got way worse during this time. Self-harm increased and suicidal thoughts were on the rise. My roommate noticed and talked to my school. Thanks to my college being a private institution, they decided it was better to kick me out just before my 2nd semester ended.

Back on Long Island, I had a new boyfriend who introduced me to Magic. Dragon’s Maze had just come out and I learned how to play by playing commander and cube drafting with him and his friends. Eventually, a new local store opened up in our town and I kept playing more and more. I made more friends and went to some larger local tournaments that required judges. I noticed I wasn’t really finding my place in the community by playing, so I contacted Kush Singhal to become a judge. I judged IQ’s and PPTQ’s with Kush which got me out of the house and around people. I was going through some tough times with my boyfriend here, but studying and judging kept me focused and feeling like I had a purpose.

After a few weeks of judging, that boyfriend asked me what the point was of becoming a judge when I’m just going to give up in a few months because of my depression. Well… that really ignited a fire in me that I had never felt before.

My journey as a judge has been mentally draining. I failed my first L2 test and that was a kick in the stomach, but the judge community wouldn’t let me be down about it. Instead, they were supportive and helped me study for the next one. The judges on events were supportive without even realizing it. Simple high-fives, hello’s, and hugs just remind you that you’re still a person; you’re still alive. Being female brings its own beast, that’s a topic for another time.

At events, it isn’t hard for me to get out of bed and work my butt off for 10-15 hours a day. When I’m home, I’m lazy, depressed, and think about suicide on and off. I would never act on it; not anymore. The self-harm is something I am still struggling with, but it’s getting easier. I have found some amazing people to lean on outside of judging that I never would have met otherwise. They’ve seen me at my worst, and I owe them so much more than my life.

Living, playing, or judging – you can do all of these things with a mental illness. It’s hard, but in my opinion it has been worth it. I love this community. I love the people. I have and will continue to do anything I can to make a difference.

Never be afraid to reach out to me if you’re having a hard time. You are never alone.